Yoga with Jordan, organize clothes con mi hermanita, good old Insta post

December 1, 2023

Ok, I’m not gonna wait til hella late to write this like I did yesterday. I also succeeded in taking slightly better photos today. In the morning, I woke up annoyingly early and couldn’t really go back to sleep. What happened was I woke up naturally around 5:40 and went to the bathroom and realized I shockingly felt hungry. That meant it was time for my meds, so I did it with two biscuit roll ups at 5:45am, and also once I’ve taken my meds, I often feel like “I’ve woken up now,” so I didn’t go back to sleep. I was afraid I’d be sleepy all day, but I don’t feel like I was tbh. It’s funny because just a day or two ago I had a conversation with Mattheas about how he’d never be awake for my 9am yoga class. I went to that class today, and was bit surprised to not feel too tired. There was one moment when I walked out of the room and sat in the hallway, just so I could write down some important thoughts I had. It was basically just big agreement with what I decided yesterday with Whitney about not having been happy for like six years, and it even occurred to me that I hadn’t even known what happy would feel like. The other thing about yoga was that I was glad I grabbed 1lb weights, the lightest, because I struggled a bit. There were a bunch of leg exercises that involved standing on tiptoes, and my right foot can’t seem to do that, which I also told Jordan after the class. I also wrote down that this might be “my best Jordan class so far,” just because of some of the thoughts I came to. After class, I also told her my therapy realization about realizing that I hadn’t been happy in like five or six years which I only was able to think after I became a bit happier. Might have even mentioned that that was why I kept building high school up so much in my head, because it’s the last time that I could remember feeling happy. Jordan said, “I’m happy for you and I’m happy you’re happy.” TBH I am too.

After the class, I did a training session with Bernie. He was wearing an Aruba shirt, and before he even asked, I said “Oranjestad.” I asked if he had kids, and then learned they were all named B names, like his last name. I told him that my mom’s family was like that too with the last name Kelly, and he said there was a family he was a dentist for who did that with Js, and even the parents had J names. He also told me that I’d texted him I had had something important to tell him on November 19, and I never did it. I said i’d look back at my notes and figure out what the hell it was. At the time, I was already sure it was a some realization, I’ll look now. Found it! “I’m not normal, but I may actually be able to be happier than ‘normal’ people.” I also just texted him that and an explanation too. He said the whole realization thing is very, very cool. Just now we also had a really good texting conversation that I’m not gonna summarize everything about. The other cool thing with Bernie was that at the gym, I was able to introduce him to the guy who’s gonna be my new trainer, Kevin. Bernie told him a bit about what I’ve been working on as well. When I was walking out of the gym, I wrote down: “My desire to “be normal” really came only outta the cancer.”

Then, I went home and it was pretty much immediately time to go over to look through old clothes with Talia. We also had some nice talks, and agreed that a big thing a ton of people struggle with is figuring out “how to be happy as an adult.” I also said that I hadn’t even known how badly the cancer had traumatize me, because I was suffocating my feelings in working 90 hours a week. We decided that Fogo was really a coping mechanism that had a TON more to do with the cancer trauma than I ever thought it did. Talia said it was me living in “survival mode.” Going through the clothes, I found a TON of very wonderful items, including several that had been on my list to potentially buy in the future, when I hadn’t realized I already owned some of them. just in bags at Papa’s house. It was a pair of dark green leggings, some more gloves that can touch screens, and a few hats, including one funny one I’d gotten when I lived in Northeast with Hannah. The other cool thought I had was that the act of writing things down often helps me to discover what I’m thinking. I think I also told Talia that it had begun feeling a little bit more like the brain injury could become a “quirk about me.” I also read Talia a couple of long messages I sent in Spanish on Bumble that basically tell my entire story.

For photos, I have a picture with Jordan, which she definitely deserved because of our great talk, two pictures with Talia, including a BeReal and a Snapchat, and also a screenshot of my Instagram post on Heidi’s wedding that just reached 100 likes today. Not a bad first day of December I’ve got here.