Yoga with Debi and hot tub, Canasta and Barbie with Papa

August 2, 2023: Today I took my meds at 6:30am with a yogurt, because I thought I’d be going to dinner with Liz at 6pm. Then I went into yoga. For yoga today I got in like an hour early because I just decided to leave early. I was gonna just take a swim for the first hour or so, but then the pool was closed because there was an issue with the HVAC system. So then I also ended up going to the class that was in that room before yoga, the mat pilates class with Ronna, I think. The mat pilates was alright, but I don’t know if I’ll want to go again. I did do my yoga realization thing during that class though, and I realized that the reason I was so obsessed with being able to party when I went back to Fogo was because I’d lost out on that because of the cancer. So my big thought was that the reason I cared so much about partying was just that to be that kind of “defined happiness.” And this is why I feel like the last time I was normal was in high school. And now I’m just over at Papa’s house talking about all this stuff. I finally did my photo for yesterday too. I wasn’t going to do it. It was very confusing. But I got it done. And today I literally went to yoga with Debi and took a photo with her only because I was thinking that I might decide some things matter and I might not want to die. And then I was planning to go out with Liz from Open Door tonight to the restaurant we were gonna go to, but then she cancelled on me because she had an Open Door pop up thing that was gonna go long. So instead, I decided to go out for another showing of Barbie with my dad, kind of just because I wanted him to see the movie that gave me that massive realization for my life at Fogo being the fake “Barbie world.” I’m still planning on going out to it with my mom some time later, so that’ll be me having watched the movie in theaters four times. This is my third right here. The other cool thing that I did today, was I had a phone call with Caroline and Max while they were driving to Montana for a vacation. During that call, Max said that he doesn’t feel like he has friends who are as close as me and Caroline and Hannah are, and Caroline said that she thought she’d find more friends like that in college and that didn’t happen. I also played a few rounds of Canasta with Papa, which I do have a photo of too. And then I went to see Barbie with Papa, since I had already told him about my realization about how Fogo was the Barbie world. He also saw me in Barbie at one point when she was laying on the ground in sadness, and we thought that was like me contemplating suicide. Honestly also we thought that the life of partying was literally the fake Barbie world too. We also decided that me going back, is going back to my world of partying, and me going forward is finding a life with meaning. So really today was kind of just a day full of me hanging out with Papa, which isn’t a bad thing at all. And I even realized that maybe I was too sad to do the social thing that got cancelled anyways. Oh and I also took my night meds at 5:15pm so I’d be able to eat popcorn by the time the movie started at 7:15pm.