Sister Sludge with John and my last five notebooks

October 6, 2023:

Alright, the day’s not even over yet and I already need to say that it’s been a very good day. I just got back from my coffee meeting with John, the other TBI survivor, and it was wonderful. I’ll just start with the rest of the day before this. So today, I thought I took my medication at 7am, and even had the yogurt with it, but I realized later that I hadn’t actually taken the pills out and swallowed them. I had Zofran at like 8:30am though since I was feeling a touch nauseous. That nausea is the reason that I didn’t go to my 9am yoga class today. So what I did was at first I listened to some more of Four Winds, which I’d also fallen asleep listening to last night. I “slept” to chapter 26, and then went back and listened til about chapter 16. Still not quite sure where I am, but I’ve been enjoying it a lot. I did organize a lot of my notes during that time though, and started writing up some things I might want to say to John. I also sorted out the dates that I’ve seen the Barbie movie, too. It’s July 22 with Eleanor, July 28 with Heidi, August 2 with Papa, September 2 with mom and Talia, and September 17 with grandma. Tragically, going through my notes, I was unable to find the exact statement that Ken said, that was along the lines of, “I’ve only ever been shown how to [do X thing], and I don’t know who I am now.” That’s the line that I really related to, because it kind of felt like my situation.

I then did a bit of diamond painting, which I’ve discovered is actually a great way to think deep thoughts. Thanks, Jessica, for suggesting that. This is about when it hit 12pm, and I went to take my Ritalin. And that is when I realized that I hadn’t taken my pills this morning at all. I definitely ate the yogurt, but didn’t actually swallow the pills. So then, I actually DID take my Turalio at 12:02pm, along with half an avocado and some pita, which was kind of like a lunch too. That’s also about when I had the important thought that maybe the TBI has really helped me to realize some of the trauma that I already had, and that THAT is why the cancer has been pissing me off so much more, recently. First "good" effect it's had, lol.

With the diamond painting, I also found a way to make the sections that are all one color a bit more interesting. I can outline shapes in them with the gems, and then fill up the shapes, and it’ll end up totally filled, the way it should be. Then, I took all my pictures of yesterday’s notes and texted mom about my realization about the TBI opening my eyes to my past trauma. Then, I literally wrote in my notes: “Remember when I said that I need a drastic mindset adjustment? I feel like this might be the start of it.” I also wrote that I’m not even sure that I’m going to realize when I start to have “normal problems,” which I have wanted, because they’ll still feel like problems to me.

Then, I decided to go to the gym. At the gym, I didn’t follow any particular prescribed workout, just did a bit of leg presses and some weights and then I listened to more of Four Winds while walking on the treadmill. After that, I swam two laps in the pool, and then sat in the hot tub for a bit, less than one cycle of bubbles. Then, I went back to the locker room and had an amazing experience. I took a shower, and literally in the shower, I had the realization that I currently don’t actively want to die, and am currently alright with being alive. I also decided that I was feeling alright to move back home some time soon now, partly because I’ve just been staying at my dad’s house for company during a depressive episode.

Oh God, now I barely have space to write the ACTUAL really good part of my day. I’ll do it in a different document, and just put the highlights in here. I’m literally on my 21st page of notes for today, and there’s been a lot of progress. I literally have two and a half typed pages of notes on coffee with John typed in Google docs. The one thing I’d like to bring out is that I randomly came to the realization that me having cancer, which complicates things, is kind of just is the same as every single TBI being different, which we talked about at the beginning. It’s that there is so much variation in brain injuries, which is it’s very similar to my cancer making things “different” for me, even within the brain injury community. That thought actually helps me to feel a bit more “normal,” with my incredibly “unique” situation. I also learned about the car accident that caused his, which like mine, was not at all his fault.

I said at some point that I’ve kind of “started a blog,” to cope with the TBI, my photo of the day project. I said that in the beginning it was just photos of me with all the hostesses at Fogo, and that I still try to make it a picture of something good in my day, like this conversation. Also said that “the way I cope” with the TBI is by taking these notes, I and showed him the notebooks picture. And now I’m waiting til very late to take my meds because I took them so incredibly late this morning/afternoon.

Grateful: I’m very very grateful to have been able to connect with John so much, obviously. He even said that we could do this regularly, and I predicted that the next time we met up, I’d want to talk about where I will be with work, whether it’s starting a job, or finding other things to fill my time.