Quixotic, dinner with Papa, Jodi, Bill and Grandma, talk with Talia

October 15, 2023:

Alright, I know where to begin, but I’ve just gotta say that I’ve had some amazing thoughts today. It’ll be hard to fit on one page. I took my meds at 8am with yogurt. I forgot to take them with eggs to use eggs up before going to Colorado. Oh well, I’ll try to remember tomorrow. In the morning, I also started by diamond painting, and while I was doing that I wrote like five pages of important thoughts in the same notebook I’d been given in the mood disorders unit. To summarize, I realized I’m not sure I’ve fully dealt with the cancer trauma, and that that is part of what’s made me overly obsessed with being around people all the time. Also, the thing that John told me about the TBI “intensifying” things that already existed is very true, and for me that “thing” was the cancer trauma and me not wanting to be alone. I also think the list mom had me make of “connections I’ve made post-TBI” is possibly more useful than a “new friends” list, because I constantly find myself holding people up to the “standard” of my high school friends, who ARE amazing, but that’s not really fair to new people. Also, I have that one idea that I got from the TBI speech meeting yesterday. It’s that there’s a chance that new connections made after the TBI might be even better than old ones, because new connections won’t be comparing you with who you were before the injury.

Oh, and frankly, if not for the TBI, I still would still have had to grapple with not wanting to be alone. Now, with the TBI, being around people often makes me feel distracted and less seriously disabled. So this morning, I wrote a lot of those thoughts in like four pages in the notebook. My other thought today was that frankly, my photo of the day project has turned into a way to “prove” to myself that "I’m being social enough.” When mom came over, I read all my notes to her. She told me that “boring” things aren’t always a negative thing. I’ve sort of found that in the last day too, like when I got a little pleasure from cleaning out under the seats in my car. Found a nail clippers too. We also talked about the possibility that some of my recent extreme depression was partially caused by my shunt not working properly. I also even told her that I passionately hate when she’s right about stuff like this. She’s been telling me to find a way to get comfortable doing stuff alone for weeks, possibly months. With mom, I also had lunch, which was a bagel with an egg and bacon on it.

Ok, here's what I did today: I had a plan to eat dinner and watch a movie with Jodi at night, and then I decided to go to a coffee shop and journal during the day. On my way out the door, KC asked if I was moving back in, and I said I generally was, and I had picked up my stuff from my dad’s house yesterday, There was also a point in the day where Jodi literally asked me if I wanted to come to a JCC yoga class with her, and I said yes at first, but then I thought about it, and decided I’d rather journal all my thoughts about about this, so I told her that I was going to "spend some time with myself" at a coffee shop. I did that. driving over to Quixotic in Highland and getting a miel iced coffee, which is honey in Spanish. Then, I sat down and started to journal some important thoughts. I know I had the thought: “I can’t even describe how not ready to date I was when I was trying to do that.”

I also went to Half Price Books, when Talia was working, and she said her break was in a few minutes, so I waited for that. Then, Talia and I walked to Quixotic too, and we had a great talk. I read her the “summary for Talia” I’d written in my notes. During the talk with her, I also decided that I want to try to stay on disability for the next couple years, and then see where I am in life. There’s more, but I’m running out of space so won’t put it in. I also thought that I would really like to find other things to do with my days, and that that thought is is still true, but appearing in a much less depressive way than it was before. I’ve figured out a lot, and it’s sticking well because they’re my own “realizations,” and not something someone told me to believe. I still agree with one thought that came out of my meeting with John, that a positive of the TBI might be that it’s made me think a lot more.

After the great talk with Talia, we walked back to Half Price, where I bought a jigsaw puzzle that has a crossword on it. I’d like to put the puzzle on my kitchen table, since the last one I bought is on the dining room table at Papa’s house. On the way back, Talia said that recently she’s been reading about what’s happening in the Middle East a lot. Today, I also arrived at the phrase “post-cancer Fogo frenzy.” It feels really accurate to what happened in my life. That kind of leads to the idea that for a long time, I thought the cancer wasn’t still affecting me, but really, it did change how I viewed the world, and made me obsessed with always being around people and “having fun,” from an outside perspective. Then, I drove home and took pictures of all my notes and changed clothes. I’ve also noticed that recently I’ve been enjoying listening to music in my room much more than I had been.

Then, I walked over to Jodi’s house at like 6pm. We ate salmon and potatoes, and halfway through the meal, it occurred to me I could probably take my meds with it, and just not finish a piece of salmon I’d eaten most of. So, I did that, having my meds at 6:39pm. Then, I waited like another hour or so before having any ice cream. I also told Jodi, Bill, Grandma and Papa my thought about the photo project having become a way “to prove to myself that I was being social enough.” Today, I also kind of arrived at the thought that for my time in Colorado, I’ll still try to do my photo of the day project, even if it’s just taking the photo and writing notes in a notebook, but what I’d like to do for it is to take photos that are more symbolic or artistic, and not just selfies with friends. I’ll probably still do selfies with people I meet, but I’d also like to try to find a way to capture ideas even in phone photos. I’m not even sure if I should bring my camera to Colorado at all. I’ll ask people what they think. At the end of the movie, I wasn’t really watching it at all, and I was just going through all my notes in this notebook, and I’ve decided I’d like the notebook to last me through the retreat, especially because it says “secrets” on the front cover, and I bought it at Target with Jodi last week. So I’m writing small again, just like I was when I wanted a notebook "to last me til I was a server at Fogo.”

Grateful: I’m grateful for quite a bit today. Mainly, for all of the realizations I’ve come to, even though mom had been telling me I should get comfortable being alone for months. I hate it when she’s right.