Puzzle with Papa and Talia, and Open Door with Italia and Terrill

October 19, 2023:

Ok, I kind of did an awful job on photos today. I was trying to do the thing where I don’t just fill it with random smiley selfies, but I didn’t end up getting a lot of meaningful content that way. I really should have asked Italia for a picture, especially since I told her that I’ve been accepting my situation a bit more, and was thinking that I might actually not work now, and just have my “job” be Open Door volunteering. She said that sounded good, though I forget her exact words. I still think I might look for a very part time job, but I’m not sure. I will say that now that my mood has improved drastically. I'm kind of beginning to enjoy having all the time in the world without work. I’d always thought that “normal” people would enjoy that, and maybe I’m becoming more normal now.

Alright, I didn’t start at the beginning here at all. To start off with my actual day, I took my meds at 8am with two eggs and a touch of cheese. I took my laundry over to Papa’s house in the morning, and that situation ended with me, him and Talia working on the puzzle I’d bought at Half Price the other day. We made a TON of progress. I swear we’ll convert him to a jigsaw puzzle addict some day. I also told them about an idea that I had begun thinking, that “new things can be better,” like how the new water cups with lids I bought for $5 are way better than carrying a

thermos around when you’re drinking ice water. I also said that I HAD been trying to go back to what “saved” me from depression after the cancer, which was suffocating my life in work, four jobs and all. I’ve realized that just because that one thing saved me from the cancer depression, it is NOT right for this situation, and it actually kind of hurt me because even when serving at Fogo before being run over by the car, I was really only drowning out my problems in work, not actually dealing with them. I should ask one of my therapists about ever actually dealing with the cancer trauma.

I also decided that I’d go to Target today, to get some food for my meds and some dish soap, since I realized the other day when I was using the dishwasher for one of the first times ever that I didn’t actually have soap for it. Anyways, at Papa’s house, I literally told Talia that I might be becoming happy when I was in the laundry room with her doing my load. I also thought that the new hoop earrings I just got are a GREAT example of new things being better sometimes. The old ones I literally had to FIGHT to get in every time, and often ask for help. I wrote this down too: “I really never could have been happy if I hadn’t accepted that newer can be, and often is, better.”

Anyways, now how I’m feeling about the upcoming retreat is that I’m a little scared people are going to be so dramatically worse off than me that I can’t relate to them. Kind of the opposite of how I was scared everyone would be WAY more recovered than me. Talia said that either way, I can still look to find coping strategies from other people, whether they’re more or less recovered than I am. That’s a very helpful way to think of things. The other thing is that now that I’m feeling a lot better, just driving and doing other “adult” things brings me a lot of pleasure. Like shopping, which also does a good job of bringing “new” things into my life. I also thought that the way I HAD been thinking was very much like saying, “I would never have had to stop at this red light if I had arrived 45 minutes ago.” A very circular and unhelpful way of thinking. Oh, and for lunch I had a pot pie back at home, and then I went to Papa’s to pick up my laundry, which I’d put in the dryer while we did the puzzle. I’ve also kind of realized that the reason I’ve been so obsessed with the cancer recently is because I had been trying to get back to my “cancer coping mechanism” this whole time.

Then, I drove over to Open Door, like 15 minutes early for my shift. When I was there, I sorted out with Italia that when new Spanish-speaking clients come in, I’ll just create the profile and not fill it all out or make the appointment, and then she can do that afterwards, since she has access to a list of special appointment times from Sean. I CANNOT fit all of this one this page. The other really cool thing I absolutely need to mention is that there was one client who was picking up for a whole group of Ecuadorians he had some connection with at work, and the whole situation really made me appreciate my situation, which I wouldn’t have felt before I had these realizations. So what I did, was I walked up to him and told him that the stories he had been telling me had given me a big lesson in gratitude, since I’m recovering from a traumatic brain injury and thought I had it worse than anyone out there. Then, he totally shocked me by telling me that HE TOO had a brain injury. Apparently he got his from falling from something. He talked to me about mindset adjustments and said: “Don’t see it as a problem, see it as a challenge.” I told him my story too. At the end, when he was leaving, I thanked him again for giving me that lesson in gratefulness.

Oh, and then after I drove home, I had a 16g fat Indian meal with my meds at 8pm, that I didn’t even come close to finishing. So I had a cup of 5g fat oat milk with it too.