Puzzle and games with Jodi and Bill

January 22, 2024

Alright, it’s not even midnight yet. Today was a very Jodi and Bill day. I went over to her around 10 am when she got up, having already taken my meds earlier with avocado toast. I noted that I hated eating the food a bit less than usual. Usually, it feels like I’m shoving a choking hazard down my throat, but today, even though I wasn’t quite hungry yet, I kind of could still enjoy the taste. Pretty much right away after I drove over, Jodi and I started working on a large jigsaw puzzle that was based on a map of Minnesota. Today, I decided to go out wearing a pair of earrings, the big gold ones, that the last time I stepped out of depression I had been wearing a lot. I literally wrote down this morning, “wearing my old not depressed earrings.” 

When I was working on the puzzle with Jodi, Bill came home from fixing some apartment’s boiler and gave us bits of a spinach ricotta quiche. Also around that time, I made some important notes on my depression. Here we go: “The biggest thing the cancer has stolen from me is my ability to enjoy eating, which also interrupts making social connections. Not being able to enjoy eating is literally the reason I don’t wanna be alive right now. Spanish rescued me from my TBI depression, but now food is getting in the way of that. That is the reason why I suddenly ‘want to be more normal’ again, which is definitely a thought always leads to depression.” I’m not quite sure that I don’t want to be alive anymore now, but that is definitely what I wrote this morning, feeling it deeply at the time. We sort of spent the day just watching some TV, and I also did my meds at 6:41 pm with a single piece of a pizza that had 18 grams of fat in a fifth of it, so I had an eighth of the pizza with the meds.

Then, after we watched some more TV, I also sat on the couch and took out a bunch of pages I’d printed out and written “to translate” on. One of them was certainly a list I’d written the last time I was emerging from depression, and I finally tried to translate the statements I’d printed out over a month ago.  We also watched a bit of the show called Beef, which was about a guy trying to run a restaurant. They asked, and I said it was not that much like the Fogo I knew, because I only worked in the front, but the show was all the back and cooking, which I did none of. By then, it was two hours after the meds, so I finished up my night with two more pieces of pizza. 

I will say, that I’m just barely beginning to emerge from my deep depression and see more possibilities. One thing that really shows that, is I’m finally starting to see some possibilities and the benefits of my unique position. Excited to talk to Jessica tomorrow morning. Still before midnight, wow! Oh, and I also decided to start writing the food I eat with the meds on the calendar I use to track it. I could do the last two weeks tonight because I write all the food on the screenshots I take.