Fusion with Caroline and Canasta with Papa

September 18, 2023:

Alright, today started off with me taking my medication at 6:20am with two 6g yogurts. They were blueberry and vanilla. Then, I realized that I’d worn the same shirt for the past two days, and asked my dad to take me to my house to pick up a different tank top that could also work as a bra. Honestly half the reason I did that was because I was thinking that I didn’t wanna be wearing the same shirt in my photos of the day for three days in a row. When I was there, I also decided to pick up a new pair of earrings, which I haven’t been wearing recently. I picked up a pair that I got at Open Door when they were giving away earrings for mother’s day.

And now, I’m just waiting for my therapy appointment with Jessica. The person to check me in is a few minutes late, so I’m writing this. The other thought I had this morning is that I might actually be disabled, and that that’s what I’m having the hard time accepting. It makes total sense why I’ve been obsessed with not “making new friends” now, because it just feels like I was only able to make friends “before I became disabled.” I made a post on Reddit saying that, and then I copy and pasted it to a Facebook group for TBI survivors. I’m hoping that group is useful, I just joined it this morning too. I’ll talk to Jessica about it, and then later Caroline too.

Ok so after my Jessica appointment, Caroline picked me up and took me to the new restaurant right by my house, Fusion. There, I got some carnitas tacos and she got the bacon waffle. The interesting thing that happened was that she told me that even when I was insanely busy with Fogo and my other two jobs, that still wasn’t “enough” for me. That kind of reminded me of something Jessica told me this morning too, with me being quite busy before this surgery, with all my volunteering and meetups, and it still not being enough for me. So it really just means that if two people who know me very well see this one thing, that thing is definitely true. Basically, that no amount of being busy is ever busy enough for me.

Funny enough, I was talking about this with my dad at night, and he told me that before the crash, Hannah had been saying similar things to me and telling me to calm down with my crazy schedule a bit. My conclusion is that I have basically talked myself into never ever ever being happy, with this horrible mindset where nothing is ever busy enough and I always want more. Going back to Caroline, she also told me to try to set a goal to read one book a week, and maybe get back into the yearbook I had been working on.

I also told her that I was a little bit relieved the job didn’t work out, because it didn’t seem like it’d be people-focused enough for me. And honestly, that was just me trying to work myself into the same corner of being insanely busy all the time, the same problem I had before. With Caroline, she also talked about the fact she’s about to have some big med school tests, and has kinda decided that she’d like to specialize in oncology, which we all sort of expected. I also decided that if I were gonna be a doctor I’d probably wanna be a surgeon because I like doing physical stuff with my hands. Funny enough, that same need to do things physically is why this surgery recovery is throwing me for such a bad loop. I can’t describe how much I hate not being able to rely on my body, and having it be in pain so often. Anyways, then I hung around Papa’s house and read a lot of the Twilight book that Talia had gotten me the other day.

Then, for dinner, we decided to make a salad with half an avocado in mine. So it’s funny, today literally felt like exactly the kind of day I don’t wanna have a lot of in the future, since I was hurting and just relying on my dad a ton. I even told him that. But, due to having nothing to do, I managed to take the night medication at exactly 6:20pm with about 12g of fat. I figure, on days like this, the least I can do is get my medication all figured out.