Barre with Jordan, Momo with Caroline and Hannah, Billiards with Hoefs Family

November 3, 2023:

So far, today’s been a FANTASTIC day. Meds at 6am, as soon as I woke up, because I was afraid I’d have to take them before dinner with Hannah, and wanted to leave myself enough time to take them around 4pm and have two hours after before I ate dinner. I did them with yogurt. In the morning today, I went to a yoga barre class with Jordan. Once I was at the gym, I also had the thought: “I’ve always loved work, but after the cancer, work became a coping mechanism for not being able to be alone.”

After yoga, I had a great conversation with Jordan, and I think I actually told her that I’d kind of decided that getting the brain injury might have benefitted me. That’s because before the TBI, I had been working 90 hours a week to avoid thinking about the all the cancer trauma. And being forced to not work at all now has let me think about the things that I hadn’t wanted to think about before. I’m still finding ways to “work” at the food shelves as a volunteer, since I just love the feeling of working and always have, and I’d be open to getting a very part time job doing something related to Spanish, but I don’t feel like I’d be willing to get off disability for a very long time, possibly ever. Thinking about all this, I also kind of arrived at the thought that a few weeks ago, I was getting insanely depressed with every tiny thing that proved I wasn’t “normal,” because getting happier when I worked at Fogo after the cancer had convinced me that normal was the goal. I wanna finish this thought, but I should get to the rest of the day first.

After yoga with Jordan, I took a pic with her and told her most of those thoughts. Then, I walked into the gym and ran into my older friend Bernie, who used to quiz me on capitals. We worked out together again today, and it was smart that I’d worn my shower shoes to yoga because I had thought that might happen, since last time I worked out in socks with him. I wrote down some of the moves/weights we did again. I also told Bernie that today was kind of the first day that I had woken up and thought, “I might be happy.” After our workout, I also learned that his band is gonna be breaking up, and they have like three more shows. One of them is next Friday at Mancini’s, and I plan to go. Maybe I’ll tell Hannah about it tonight too.

Speaking of Hannah, I’m gonna go eat dinner with her at Momo Sushi, and I think I’ll be able to take my meds with dinner, since a sushi roll is usually the perfect amount of fat to have with them. I’m gonna have to drive myself there though, since Hannah has something with her parents afterwards, and won’t be able to drive me home. A negative part of a really good day so far.

Almost forgot to add another really good part. It’s that today, I drove by Grande Sunrise Mexican seafood restaurant on my way back from the gym, and after stopping at home, I decided to try it. It turned out they have a cheaper special every day, so I got today’s special, which was a quesadilla and hot sauce. I also had a brilliant conversation with one of the workers. I asked his name, and he told me it was Javier. Then, I told him in Spanish that he had the same name as one of the guys who taught me Spanish, who was Xavier (pronounced Javier) from Ecuador, who I met at Valleyfair. We had a nice conversation, and when he offered dessert I said I was full but I’d bring my friend next time and maybe try it. I’ll ask Hannah to do that tonight, and have already texted her that I’ve found a new Mexican restaurant I wanna try, even though Javier was from El Salvador.

Alright, no way in hell I’m writing up all the notes I have from tonight. I just like to write down everything that happens for my memory, and I totally don’t need to publish it all for the world. Basically, it turned out that me going out to eat with Hannah was actually going out with both Caroline and Hannah, who are pretty much my two best friends. I did my meds at 7:04 pm tonight with a Green Dragon Roll, which the hostess had recommended to me when I got there early and asked about it.

Afterwards, Caroline went home to sleep, and Hannah and I drove down to Jimmy’s Pro Billiards to celebrate her brother’s birthday. The BIG NEWS at the billiards tonight was that her sister Heidi is now engaged! It’s a guy who she’d talked about with me before, and I totally didn’t expect the engagement. I also met her brother’s girlfriend Kylie, and Heidi’s fiance whose named is Jorge pronounced George. When I first met him, I told him that that I’d heard of him as “not Jorge,” pronounced the Spanish way. I followed them both on Insta. Anyways, then we all played billiards. I learned about a new pool game whose rules I get but can’t explain tbh. Oh, also just remembered that I did ask Hannah about going to see Bernie’s show, and she said to ask again when it’s closer since she’ll know the schedule more. Caroline is out of town then though. Oh, and Hannah also seemed down to try Grande Sunrise some time.

Grateful: I’m grateful for disability today. For months and months I’ve wanted to get off it, and now I’m actually very grateful to it, so I’m becoming “more normal,” in that I’m enjoying the security. Today I also had the thought that I was totally right that I’d never be normal, and that that realization had been what was depressing me so much. But what I’m realizing now is that I might possibly be better than “normal,” which was a thought that was a long time coming. My other thought is that my pre-TBI life honestly was not good, but it had the building blocks of a good life, which is why it pissed me the hell of when people at the retreat were saying you had to “leave your entire old life behind.” I told Hannah and Caroline that that had happened too. I believe actually that my pre-TBI life had the “building blocks” of a good life, even though they weren’t assembled yet.